A roller-coaster of emotions

‘The first year of your baby’s life will bring you a roller-coaster of emotions’

This message you can read in any parenting book. Like also the fact that a mother needs around nine months to recover from a childbirth. A mother needs to recover not only from the actual childbirth but also emotionally and being full of hormones. Don’t we ladies?

So every father needs to take this fact into account. Actually I don’t think there is any man who would not acknowledge that a woman needs time to recover. That’s when you need your partner the most.

The birth of Zoë didn’t go as planned. It took 29 hours and ended in emergency c- section. In all these hours my ex stood by my side. He couldn’t have been a bigger support. That’s why in retrospect I can’t believe that I’m dealing with the same person now, yet it’s the same person.

His different behaviour started actually already immediately after the birth of my little angel. In the first weeks, like any mother, I struggled and felt lost. Zoë cried a lot and I cried with her as nothing could calm her down. I guess that is where the support part comes in. But while I was struggling my ex was cleaning, cooking and working in the garden. You would think that was helpful, but I wanted him by my side and helping out with my baby girl.

At that time I still didn’t see any danger for our relationship as I thought he just needed time to adjust to his new life. Our life turned upside down. After six weeks, Zoë and I got to know each other and it became fantastic. I was just so happy. I also was completely recovered from my operation. Life couldn’t be more wonderful I thought…

The things were still not the same between me and my ex but I really thought that we were finding our new roles in our relationship.

I was so naïve and maybe so eager to have a family that I didn’t see it. He was not trying to adjust to a new situation. He was getting less interested in us. When in August he let us go and never put any afford to fight for our new family I knew for sure.

My babygirl was, as you all know, just five months old. I was still half way in my emotional recovery. I know that I wasn’t the easiest person to deal with being still full of hormones, but I believed that we promised each other unconditional love and he would stay with me not only until my full recovery but until the end of our life. Yet he choose the other way and didn’t support me at all. When things got hard, the solution was another woman.

He left me alone, so in the months that I was supposed to enjoy being a new mom, I was sad and being in a fight with him about literally everything. I didn’t get any peace and this in combination of work and being a new mom made me almost break down.

I never felt heartbroken like this before but I still feel it because of his behaviour.

His explanation to his whole behaviour is that I used to sleep with married men when I was single. I can’t deny that, because it’s true. The thing is, that I never knew that they were involved and when I knew I immediately ended it. I would never on purpose start a relationship with a married man and for sure never break up a family.

The divorce hasn’t ended yet and it is becoming worse every day. But I know it will someday and then finally Zoë and I will be able to start a new life. We will be able to leave this behind.

‘Once a thing ends in your life, it makes you transform into a new butterfly’

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2 Comments

  • I pray for you and Zoë every single day and I hope that your life will be beter in the end. I even pray for your husband whom I deeply loved as a friend, a family member and in the end a son. We all loved him. I trusted him more that I trusted myself. I am really a bit stupid I supposed. Everybody suggested that there was another woman involved but I was in my mind repeating constantly… Not he… Everybody but not he. He would not do such a thing… I still cannot believe what I know now for sure. You cried day after day and I could not help enough. And in the end my lovely Zoë will never have a normal family life. What’s more she will never eat one breakfast with her parents, she will never go to holidays with her parents etc. She deserves so much more. It is taken away from her and I my heart is broken. I do not know how the others manage to live with it. I will never forget nor forgive…

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